THE LAWS OF LIFE

These laws hold true always and every time ....

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee

Law of the Workshop

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of the Telephone

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire

Law of Variation

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers

Law of Rugs/Carpets

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug

Law of Location

No matter where you go, there you are

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about

Brown's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly

Oliver's Law

A closed mouth gathers no feet

Wilson's Law

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3

Marriage is grand .... and divorce is at least 1000 grand!

Commandment 4

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9

Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry, that is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment Story

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled ....
'Wow! This stuff really works!'

ENGLISH TONGUE TWISTERS

A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.

I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.

Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said "this butter's bitter! But a bit of better butter will but make my butter better." So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter, and it made her butter better. Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter!

Black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?

A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.

If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.

Red Bulb Blue Bulb Red Bulb Blue Bulb.

Red Blood Blue Blood.

I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

If a sledering snail went down a slippery slide would a snail sleder or slide down the slide.

Bubble bobble, bubble bobble, bubble bobble.

These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.

Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

Lala Gope Gappungam Das.

You curse, I curse, we all curse, for asparagus!

Kacha papaya pacca papaya.

Sanjeev's sixth sheep is sick.

Double bubble gum, bubbles double.

A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

A box of mixed biscuits, a mixed biscuit box.

Upper roller lower roller.

Purple Paper People.

If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

Sixth sick Sheikh's sixth sick sheep.

Which watch did which witch wear and which witch wore which watch?

Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.

I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

Once a fellow met a fellow in a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, can a fellow tell a fellow what a fellow means?"

How much wood could a wood chuck; chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

Paresh P Patel plans to peel potatoes in Pune.

An ape hates grape cakes.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore. She sells sea shells no more.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on a slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. The sheet I slit, that sheet was it.

Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.

The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

Baboon bamboo.

My Bhaiya buys black bananas by the bunch.

The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout thursday.

Daddy draws doors.

Friendly Fleas and Fire Flies.

If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... was he?

How many cans can a canner can, if a canner can can cans? A canner can can as many cans as a canner can, if a canner can can cans.

How much wood could a wood chopper chop, if a wood chopper could chop wood?

If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?

Penny's pretty pink piggy bank.

When a doctor falls ill, another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way?

A tutor who tooted the flute, tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart. Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,wheres the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Black bug's blood.

Crisp crusts crackle and crunch.

It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in!

Tie a knot, tie a knot. Tie a tight, tight knot. Tie a knot in the shape of a nought.

Freshly-fried fat flying fish.

Rubber baby-buggy bumpers.

Jolly juggling jesters jauntily juggled jingling jacks.

Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king's kitchen.

Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit. Did Billy Button buy a buttered biscuit? If Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit, Where's the buttered biscuit Billy Button bought ??

The sixth sick Sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

She saw a fish on the seashore and I'm sure the fish she saw on the seashore was a saw-fish.

Swan swam over the sea; Swim, swan, swim! Swan swam back again; Well swum, swan!

MARRIED MAN

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued .... "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

BRILLIANT SIGNS

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels!"

On a Septic Tank truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels!"

On another Septic Tank truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business!"

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in!"

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed!"

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber!"

On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak!"

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout!"

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows!"

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts!"

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action!"

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push!"

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place!"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff!"

On a Fence: "Mormons & Jehovah's Witnesses Welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment!"

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming!"

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be!"

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait!"

At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills!"

At a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak!"

HOW TO CATCH A LION

Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This implies you caught the lion.

Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method: Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Rajnikanth Method: Keep warning the lion that you may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Mani Rathnam Method: Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method: Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand .... right .... ok .... read it after 15 yrs, then also you wont!

Yash Chopra Method: Take the lion to Australia or US and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda Method: Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi Method: Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George Bush Method: Link the lion with Osama Bin Laden and shoot him!!!!

Ravi Shastri Method: Ask the lion to bowl at you. You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run. Lion tired and surrenders.

GUTS & BALLS

Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

WOMAN & MAN

It is not difficult to make a woman happy ....

It is really not difficult ....

To make a woman happy a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14 . a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes

and

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1 . Leave him in peace

IN LAWS

An old woman had 3 daughters.

One day she decided to test her sons-in-law.

One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help. The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"

Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help. The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"

The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't move a single step to save her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings ....

"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law!!!"

ALL ABOUT WIVES

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A man placed an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

INTELLIGENCE

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

CREDIT CARDS - PRICELESS

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax.

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

THE 20 TRUTHS

1. Regular naps prevent old age .... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried .... but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without .... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love .... but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad Ministers are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. Every wife and husband always compromise. The husband admits he is wrong and the wife agrees with him.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

WHAT WOMEN WANT?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.

So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life, and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question, 'What a woman really wants?' by saying, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth, and that Arthur's life would be spared.And so it was.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom, and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time, and the beautiful maiden the other half.

'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day .... or at night?'

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this ....) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this ....) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now .... the moral to this story is ....

1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY' !!!!

ADDITIONAL MURPHY'S LAWS

Law of Queue:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath Theorem:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

Law of Biomechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:

People with the seats at the farthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

FUNNY SLOGANS

Advertisement in a Long Island Shop: Guitar, for Sale .... Cheap .... No Strings Attached.

Advertisement in Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight .... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking .... I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses .... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick .... Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlour Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother!

HR = HIGH RISK

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase, no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it.

So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying, "My friend, you have not worked here for even one day."

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366.

Manager:- How many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours.

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third).

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days).

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No Sir!

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days.

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No Sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on Workers Day?

Man:- No Sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days Sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the National holiday?

Man:- No Sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day Sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No Sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None Sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP !!!!

COMPUTER MAGIC

MAGIC #1

An Indian discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as "CON".

This is something pretty cool .... and unbelievable ....

At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!

Try it yourself .... It will not create a "CON" folder ....

MAGIC #2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:-

1.) Open an empty notepad file.

2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes).

3.) Save it as whatever you want.

4.) Close it, and re-open it.

Is it just a really weird bug? ....

MAGIC #3

This is something pretty cool, neat .... and unbelievable ....

At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!

It was discovered by a Brazilian.

Try it out yourself ....

Open Microsoft Word and type =rand (200, 99) and then press ENTER.

Just see the magic ....

MARRIAGE TECH SUPPORT - 2

Dear Systems Department,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 toWife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys' Night Out 2.5 and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected.

Attempting to operate selected SaturdayRugby 6.3 always fails and Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help?

Customer

(Continue)

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM, whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by it's Creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossibleto uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur,whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key. It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. or HUGS\KISSES 600.0 or TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0.

DO NOT under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt Version) 2.1, as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

BEST OF LUCK!

Systems Department

MAN & BIRD

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

MURPHY'S LAWS .... A PAIN

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To err is human, to forgive is not a company policy.
The road to success .... is always under construction.
No matter in which direction you ride, its always uphill and against the wind.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk.
In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich .... which never works.
If at first you don't succeed .... destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
Anything dropped in the bathroom will always fall in the toilet.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
As soon as you mention something .... if it is good, it is taken .... If it is bad, it happens.
He who has the gold, makes the rules .... Murphy's golden rule.
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late .... the bus is still late.
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
If you install a $0.50 fuse to protect a $5000.00 equipment, the $5000.00 equipment will blow in order to save the $0.50 fuse.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen .... If you have a pen, you don't have paper .... if you have both, no one calls.
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
In a job interview, you need to be well spoken, clear, pleasantly dressed, confident and polite .... even if you are, you won't get the job.
After a long wait for bus no. 20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.
If everything seems to be going right, MURPHY's Laws will come into effect and screw up everything.

MARRIAGE TECH SUPPORT - 1

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

(continue)

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

HONOURABLE MEN

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river and drowned.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. But I lied so that I can honour your and my word. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and I would not have been able to take care of all three, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

Moral

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason. That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!"

WHY WHY .... WHY

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?"

Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Why are Texans called Cowboys when they're actually riding a horse?

ITEM BY GENDER

You've might not known these philosophy, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRE: Tyre are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arce.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this .... It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

REMOTE

One night , after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed ...., she was totally surprised at this unexpected action.

"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

RIGHT FOOT

How Smart is Your Right Foot?
You must try this .... it's amazing and takes only a few seconds.
It is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
What happened .... ?
Your foot must have changed direction ... And there's nothing you can do about it.

ROOM SERVICE

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"

5 STAR HOTEL

Reason why we never visit a 5 Star Hotel ....

Question: "What would you like to have .... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo or Coffee?"

Answer: "Tea please."

Question: "Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or Green tea?"

Answer: "Ceylon tea."

Question: "How would you like it? Black or white?"

Answer: "White."

Question: "Milk, Whitener or Condensed milk?"

Answer: "Milk."

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or Cow milk"

Answer: "Cow milk please."

Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: "Umm, I'll take it black."

Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar."

Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"

Answer: "Cane sugar."

Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?"

Answer: "Forget about tea .... just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water?"

Answer: "Mineral water."

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst .... "

WOMEN ARE CLEVER

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please go along.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral

Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

SELF APPRAISAL

A little boy went into a store reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits.

The store owner observed and listened to the conversation.

The boy asked, "Ma'm, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?" The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

"I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied the boy. The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy was even more perseverant and said, "I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida." Again the woman answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.

The store owner, who was listening to this conversation, walked over to the boy and said, "Son .... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance on the job I already have. I am the one who is working for the lady I was talking to!"

LIFETIME MARRIAGE QUOTES

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question .... which I have not been able to answer .... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

James Holt McGavran

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once ....

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Anonymous

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

SOME WISE WORDS

1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE alcohol consumption: Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD. After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY.

3. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

4. One should always be specific. Because - A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.

5. Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says: we should KILL him. Ant 2 says: No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says: No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

6. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOMEthing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend -You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

7. Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE. Answer: On their MARRIAGE.

8.When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. After you pray, if you are still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

9. Why Government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because as per the Constitution, you canNOT PUNISH anyone TWICE for the same Mistake.

UNDERESTIMATING WOMEN

A man called home to his wife and said: "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please do not forget to pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box...."

MIND YOUR BUSINESS

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when u're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!"

E-MAIL ADDRESS

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.

The HR manager interviewed him and then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

"I'm sorry," said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,and returned home with $60. The man realized that he could survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied,"I don't have an email".

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral

1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.

2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

DID YOU KNOW?

LONGEST ENGLISH WORD - Praetertranssubstantiationalistically has 37 letters.

BOOK WITHOUT LETTER 'e' - GADFY, written by Earnest Wright in 1939 is a 50,000+ word book, which doesn't contain a single word with 'e' in it.

WORD WITHOUT VOWEL - RHYTHM

BRAIN - Organ of body which has no sensation when cut.

CROCODILE - Only animal & reptile which sheds tears while eating.

Number of Alphabets, which SOUND AS WORDS - 10, They are

B Bee

C Sea

G Zee

I Eye

Q Queue

R Are

S Yes

T Tea

U You

Y Why

SNAILS have 14175 teeth laid along 135 rows on their tounge.

A BUTTERFLY has 12,000 eyes.

DOLPHINS sleep with 1 eye open.

A BLUE WHALE can eat as much as 3 tonnes of food everyday, but at the same time can live without food for 6 months.

The EARTH has over 12,00,000 species of animals, 3,00,000 species of plants & 1,00,000 other species.

The fierce DINOSAUR was TRYNOSAURS which had sixty long & sharp teeth. It used to attack & eat other dinosaurs.

DIMETRODON was a mammal like REPTILE with a snail on its back. This acted as a radiator to cool the body of the animal.

CASSOWARY is one of the dangerous BIRDs, that can kill a man or animal by tearing off with its dagger like claw.

The SWAN has over 25,000 feathers in its body.

OSTRICH eats pebbles to help digestion by grinding up the ingested food.

POLAR BEAR can look clumsy & slow but during chase on ice, can reach 25 miles/hour of speed.

KIWIS are the only birds, which hunt by sense of smell.

ELEPHANT teeth can weigh as much as 9 pounds.

OWL is the only bird, which can rotate its head to 270 degrees.

24 HOURS

In 24 hours, an average human -
HEART beats 1,03,689 times
LUNGS respire 23,045 times
BLOOD flows 16,80,000 miles
NAILS grow 0.00007 inches
HAIR grows 0.01715 inches
Takes 2.9 pounds water (including all liquids)
Takes 3.25 pounds food
Breathes 438 cubic feet air
Produces 1.43 pints sweat

WHAT ARE THEY

If we say 'MUMMY', they come together & go apart when we say 'DADDY': LIPS

What goes up & never comes down: AGE

Patches over patches but no stitches: CABBAGE

What is that we cannot see, but is always before you: FUTURE

What goes up & down a hill, but never moves: ROAD

You can never wet it: SHADOW

What belongs to to you, but is used by your friends more often than you: YOUR NAME

MARVELLOUS ANSWER

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me doing basically the same work"

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ....

He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running".

DRINK UP!

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

3) Gained weight

4) Talked excessively without making sense

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive

7) Failed to think rationally

8) Had to sit down while urinating

No further testing was considered necessary.

GOOD DEFINITIONS

School: A place where papa pays and son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest .... except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

2-WAY MIRROR

Many of the hotels and textile showrooms cheat the customers this way & watch privately.

HOW TO DETECT A 2-WAY MIRROR

When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror. These are actually 2-way mirrors i.e., they can see you, but you can't see them. There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in female changing rooms or bathroom or bedrooms. It is very difficult to positively identify the surface by just looking at it. So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty what type of mirror we are looking at?

CONDUCT THIS SIMPLE TEST

Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror. However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, IT IS A 2-WAYMIRROR! (there is someone seeing you from the other side). So remember, everytime you see a mirror, do the "fingernail test." It doesn't cost you anything.

IT IS SIMPLE TO DO

This is a really good thing to do. The reason there is a gap on a real mirror, is because the silver is on the back of the mirror UNDER the glass. Whereas with a 2-way mirror, the silver is on the surface.

KEEP IT IN MIND!

Make sure and check every time you enter in hotel rooms. May be someone is making a film on you.

STAGES OF LOVE

MEN IN WOMENS' EYES

1] Men are like -- Mini Skirts
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs

[2] Men are like -- Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are

[3] Men are like -- Department Stores
Their clothes should always be half off

[4] Men are like -- Vacations
They never seem to be long enough

[5] Men are like -- Computers
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory

[6] Men are like -- Coolers
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

[7] Men are like -- Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long

[8] Men are like -- Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong

[9] Men are like -- Plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom

[10] Men are like -- Parking Spots
The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped

MOBILE SERVICES

Life before marriage is AIRTEL
"You can express yourself "

During honeymoon it is RELIANCE
"Always get in touch"

After honeymoon it is HUTCH
"Wherever you go your wife network follows"

After one year Life is IDEA
"Your wife can change your life"

After 10 years Life is BSNL
"Subscriber is not reachable"??

FRIENDS

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents, Mr./Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.

FAKE FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your shirt so long they forget its yours.

FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds that left you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Are for a while.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for LIFE.

TRUTH: 21st CENTURY

Our communication - Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our Labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less

HEIGHTS

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering black visiting cards.
3. What is height of Active Laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
4. What is height of Laziness?
Adopt a child.
5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a black paper Xeroxed.
6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him/her last.
7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

SOME FUNNY LINES

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATHS

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.