COMPUTER MAGIC

MAGIC #1

An Indian discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as "CON".

This is something pretty cool .... and unbelievable ....

At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!

Try it yourself .... It will not create a "CON" folder ....

MAGIC #2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:-

1.) Open an empty notepad file.

2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes).

3.) Save it as whatever you want.

4.) Close it, and re-open it.

Is it just a really weird bug? ....

MAGIC #3

This is something pretty cool, neat .... and unbelievable ....

At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!

It was discovered by a Brazilian.

Try it out yourself ....

Open Microsoft Word and type =rand (200, 99) and then press ENTER.

Just see the magic ....

MARRIAGE TECH SUPPORT - 2

Dear Systems Department,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 toWife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys' Night Out 2.5 and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected.

Attempting to operate selected SaturdayRugby 6.3 always fails and Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help?

Customer

(Continue)

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM, whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by it's Creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossibleto uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur,whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key. It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. or HUGS\KISSES 600.0 or TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0.

DO NOT under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt Version) 2.1, as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

BEST OF LUCK!

Systems Department

MAN & BIRD

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

MURPHY'S LAWS .... A PAIN

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To err is human, to forgive is not a company policy.
The road to success .... is always under construction.
No matter in which direction you ride, its always uphill and against the wind.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk.
In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich .... which never works.
If at first you don't succeed .... destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
Anything dropped in the bathroom will always fall in the toilet.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
As soon as you mention something .... if it is good, it is taken .... If it is bad, it happens.
He who has the gold, makes the rules .... Murphy's golden rule.
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late .... the bus is still late.
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
If you install a $0.50 fuse to protect a $5000.00 equipment, the $5000.00 equipment will blow in order to save the $0.50 fuse.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen .... If you have a pen, you don't have paper .... if you have both, no one calls.
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
In a job interview, you need to be well spoken, clear, pleasantly dressed, confident and polite .... even if you are, you won't get the job.
After a long wait for bus no. 20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.
If everything seems to be going right, MURPHY's Laws will come into effect and screw up everything.

MARRIAGE TECH SUPPORT - 1

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

(continue)

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

HONOURABLE MEN

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river and drowned.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. But I lied so that I can honour your and my word. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and I would not have been able to take care of all three, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

Moral

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason. That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!"

WHY WHY .... WHY

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?"

Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Why are Texans called Cowboys when they're actually riding a horse?