MARRIED MAN

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued .... "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

BRILLIANT SIGNS

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels!"

On a Septic Tank truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels!"

On another Septic Tank truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business!"

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in!"

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed!"

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber!"

On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak!"

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout!"

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows!"

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts!"

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action!"

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push!"

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place!"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff!"

On a Fence: "Mormons & Jehovah's Witnesses Welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment!"

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming!"

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be!"

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait!"

At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills!"

At a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak!"

HOW TO CATCH A LION

Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This implies you caught the lion.

Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method: Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Rajnikanth Method: Keep warning the lion that you may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Mani Rathnam Method: Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method: Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand .... right .... ok .... read it after 15 yrs, then also you wont!

Yash Chopra Method: Take the lion to Australia or US and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda Method: Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi Method: Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George Bush Method: Link the lion with Osama Bin Laden and shoot him!!!!

Ravi Shastri Method: Ask the lion to bowl at you. You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run. Lion tired and surrenders.

GUTS & BALLS

Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

WOMAN & MAN

It is not difficult to make a woman happy ....

It is really not difficult ....

To make a woman happy a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14 . a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes

and

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1 . Leave him in peace

IN LAWS

An old woman had 3 daughters.

One day she decided to test her sons-in-law.

One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help. The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"

Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help. The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore. The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings "Thank you!!!-Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!!"

The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy didn't respond to her cries for help and didn't move a single step to save her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings ....

"Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law!!!"