Sunday, December 30, 2007

THE LAWS OF LIFE

These laws hold true always and every time ....

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire

Law of Variation
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about

Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly

Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet

Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick

Friday, December 28, 2007

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand .... and divorce is at least 1000 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry, that is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment Story
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled ....
'Wow! This stuff really works!'

Saturday, December 01, 2007

ENGLISH TONGUE TWISTERS

A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.


I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.


Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said "this butter's bitter! But a bit of better butter will but make my butter better." So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter, and it made her butter better. Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter!


Black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?


A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.


If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!


I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.


Red Bulb Blue Bulb Red Bulb Blue Bulb.


Red Blood Blue Blood.


I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.


If a sledering snail went down a slippery slide would a snail sleder or slide down the slide.


Bubble bobble, bubble bobble, bubble bobble.


These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.


Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.


Lala Gope Gappungam Das.


You curse, I curse, we all curse, for asparagus!


Kacha papaya pacca papaya.


Sanjeev's sixth sheep is sick.


Double bubble gum, bubbles double.


A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.


A box of mixed biscuits, a mixed biscuit box.


Upper roller lower roller.


Purple Paper People.


If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?


Sixth sick Sheikh's sixth sick sheep.


Which watch did which witch wear and which witch wore which watch?


Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.


I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.


Once a fellow met a fellow in a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, can a fellow tell a fellow what a fellow means?"


How much wood could a wood chuck; chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.


I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!


Paresh P Patel plans to peel potatoes in Pune.


An ape hates grape cakes.


She sells sea shells on the sea shore. She sells sea shells no more.


I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on a slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. The sheet I slit, that sheet was it.


Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.


The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.


If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?


Baboon bamboo.


My Bhaiya buys black bananas by the bunch.


The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout thursday.


Daddy draws doors.


Friendly Fleas and Fire Flies.


If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.


Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... was he?


How many cans can a canner can, if a canner can can cans? A canner can can as many cans as a canner can, if a canner can can cans.


How much wood could a wood chopper chop, if a wood chopper could chop wood?


If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?


Penny's pretty pink piggy bank.


When a doctor falls ill, another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way?


A tutor who tooted the flute, tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?"


One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart. Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.


Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,wheres the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?


Black bug's blood.


Crisp crusts crackle and crunch.


It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in!


Tie a knot, tie a knot. Tie a tight, tight knot. Tie a knot in the shape of a nought.


Freshly-fried fat flying fish.


Rubber baby-buggy bumpers.


Jolly juggling jesters jauntily juggled jingling jacks.


Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king's kitchen.


Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit. Did Billy Button buy a buttered biscuit? If Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit, Where's the buttered biscuit Billy Button bought ??


The sixth sick Sheik's sixth sheep's sick.


A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.


She saw a fish on the seashore and I'm sure the fish she saw on the seashore was a saw-fish.


Swan swam over the sea; Swim, swan, swim! Swan swam back again; Well swum, swan!