1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry !
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes.....
that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles!!
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow BUT sure!
9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
11. Laziness is our biggest enemy - Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies - Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???
12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…
13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
GOLDEN TELEPHONE
A Writer decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The Writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The Writer thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 He Could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the Writer.
He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 Per call" sign under it.
The Writer, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The Writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
Readers, it is your turn........Think .....before you scroll down...
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The Writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The Writer thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 He Could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the Writer.
He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 Per call" sign under it.
The Writer, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The Writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
Readers, it is your turn........Think .....before you scroll down...
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth.
Friday, June 13, 2008
INTERESTING
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside. So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see
the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who
rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father
did!!!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to
the Crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train
tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow & sure!
9. Only 20 percent girls have brains, rest have boyfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or
married to someone else!
11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???
12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…
13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to
driving without drinking!
Piyo Sar Utha Ke!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside. So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see
the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who
rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father
did!!!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to
the Crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train
tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow & sure!
9. Only 20 percent girls have brains, rest have boyfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or
married to someone else!
11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???
12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…
13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to
driving without drinking!
Piyo Sar Utha Ke!
LADY DRIVERS
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know. I just did!
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know. I just did!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
PRICELESS WORDS
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral:
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk "PRICELESS"
There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral:
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk "PRICELESS"
There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
ENLIGHTENMENT
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"
Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"Triple Filter?"
That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second Filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third Filter - the Filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ...."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
But it also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Let's face it - English is a crazy language ....
In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane ....
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?
English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in.
In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down.
In which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English is a crazy language ....
What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?
Why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up an essay, I end it?
POTENTIAL & REALITY
Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Reality'?"
Dad: "I will show you."
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!"
Then Dad asks his daughter would she sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.…!!
Friday, March 14, 2008
STOCK MARKET
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the National Weather Service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."
Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the National Weather Service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
CLASSY INSULTS
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend .... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."- Stephen Bishop
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts .... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
ME & MY BOSS
When I take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough ....
When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy ....
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative ....
When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating ....
When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot,
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human ....
When I am out of the office, I am wondering around,
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business ....
When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick,
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill ....
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview,
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked ....
When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets ....
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough ....
When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy ....
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative ....
When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating ....
When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot,
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human ....
When I am out of the office, I am wondering around,
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business ....
When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick,
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill ....
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview,
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked ....
When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets ....
Saturday, January 26, 2008
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE ....
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying GET LOST!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3 & then RUN!
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