ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Let's face it - English is a crazy language ....

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane ....

If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.

But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in.

In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.

In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down.

In which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English is a crazy language ....

What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?

Why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up an essay, I end it?

POTENTIAL & REALITY

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you."

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?

Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!"

Then Dad asks his daughter would she sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?

Daughter: "Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"

Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.…!!

STOCK MARKET

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the National Weather Service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The Man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy."

CLASSY INSULTS

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend .... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."- Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts .... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang