DEFINITIONS

School:

A place where Papa pays and Son plays

Life Insurance:

A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich

Nurse:

A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills

Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters

Divorce:

Future tense of Marriage

Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower

Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of theLecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Dictionary:

A place where success comes before work

Conference Room

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

Father:

A banker provided by nature

Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest .... except that he got caught

Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after

Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills

Classic:

Books, which people praise, but do not read

Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth

Etc.:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes

Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions

Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

ARGUING WITH WOMEN

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Moral

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

SOME IDIOTS OF 2006

Number One Idiot of 2006:

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2006:

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2006:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America ....

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2006:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2006:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

CONSULTANTS

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

TRUE GLOBALIZATION

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk on Scottish whisky

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi

on Japanese motorcycles

treated by an American doctor

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by Indian

using Bill Gates' technology

and you're probably reading this on your computer

that uses Taiwanese chips

and a Korean monitor

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant

transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers

hijacked by Indonesians

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals....

That, my friend, is True Globalization