ITEM BY GENDER

You've might not known these philosophy, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRE: Tyre are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arce.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this .... It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

REMOTE

One night , after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed ...., she was totally surprised at this unexpected action.

"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

RIGHT FOOT

How Smart is Your Right Foot?
You must try this .... it's amazing and takes only a few seconds.
It is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
What happened .... ?
Your foot must have changed direction ... And there's nothing you can do about it.

ROOM SERVICE

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"

5 STAR HOTEL

Reason why we never visit a 5 Star Hotel ....

Question: "What would you like to have .... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo or Coffee?"

Answer: "Tea please."

Question: "Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or Green tea?"

Answer: "Ceylon tea."

Question: "How would you like it? Black or white?"

Answer: "White."

Question: "Milk, Whitener or Condensed milk?"

Answer: "Milk."

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or Cow milk"

Answer: "Cow milk please."

Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: "Umm, I'll take it black."

Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar."

Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"

Answer: "Cane sugar."

Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?"

Answer: "Forget about tea .... just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water?"

Answer: "Mineral water."

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst .... "

WOMEN ARE CLEVER

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please go along.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral

Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

SELF APPRAISAL

A little boy went into a store reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits.

The store owner observed and listened to the conversation.

The boy asked, "Ma'm, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?" The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

"I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied the boy. The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy was even more perseverant and said, "I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida." Again the woman answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.

The store owner, who was listening to this conversation, walked over to the boy and said, "Son .... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance on the job I already have. I am the one who is working for the lady I was talking to!"

LIFETIME MARRIAGE QUOTES

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question .... which I have not been able to answer .... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

James Holt McGavran

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once ....

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Anonymous

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette